My Cat's Breath Smells Like Foam Rubber

[ed_rex]

I awoke this evening at 6:00 o'clock, nearly on the dot. My cat, Chet, seems to just know when I wake up, because he seems to just suddenly be there, moments after I raise my head, crusty eyelids breaking open like two frozen slices of bread, separated straight from the freezer.

One thing I've learned, working nights and sleeping days is that, if there is anything in this world that shows that our Lord is a merciful God, it is the invention of foam-rubber ear plugs.

You haven't seen them? In my case, they are a floruescent pink, shaped like little bells, or Chrismas tree ornaments. To use them, you twist and squeeze them between your thumb and fore-finger, then insert them (yes) into your ear, where the foam expands to fill the space - and never mind those who tell you not to insert anything smaller than your elbow into that cavity.

A simple technology, they nevertheless do an excellent job, blocking out the sounds of filthy day-timers wandering in the hall and that kid upstairs who sometimes likes to run back and forth, back and forth, over my tired little head.

Chet, for some reason, has developed a taste - almost an obsession - with them. It took a while for my to realize it, what with their occasional propensity to fall out of one's ear while sleeping. And you know how little things can disappear among one's sheets or drop off the bed and bounce into the darkest, deepest spot beneath it!

But one morning some months ago, I didn't wake up, I was awoken! There was ... something ... tugging at the plug in one of my ears. Chet. The little bastard wasn't waiting for it to fall out, he wanted it now!

I don't know what he likes about them; I don't imagine that foam rubber would taste good to me. Maybe it's like chewing gum to him. At any rate, he eats them. I know this, because they pass right through him; I've found far more than one of them while cleaning out his litter box.

Anyway, today, he saw me take them out. He approached my outstretched hand, tail twitching, hunched low to the bed. I was lying there, still groggy, with my left hand close, resting against the wall (he hadn't noticed me slip the plugs under my pillow). He watched my hand with a hunter's intensity, and a cat's small spasms of concentrated excitement, then reached out and batted my hand, as if to force open my palm. I let my fingers open up, like a flower in the morning sun.

He batted me again, as if he could not believe what was before his eyes: no foam rubber. I opened and closed my hand, then opened it again, so he could not fail to understand the truth: no snacks for you, buddy!

And so the day begins. Contrary to my morning vows, I doubt I'll be going out tonight. Instead - I know! - I'll hang out here at home, maybe play on the computer, maybe - hah! - do some writing. With luck, I'll get to sleep at an hour that will allow me to arise around noon. And tomorrow I will step out into the world. And drink.

Comments

[foreveraspiring.livejournal.com]

My, my, my. How sneaky is the cat, and how even sneakier is the pet. I must say I have no clue why a fine, cultured, and entirely interesting fellow such as yourself, would add a poor, psychotic wench such as me. At any rate I welcome you aboard and look forward to hopelessly indulging in your works of pure, brilliant fiction on the LJ front. -wriggles fingers all toodles like-

[ed-rex.livejournal.com]

Sir, you're making me blush.

As for clues, I first noticed your demand to be called "Sir" - how could I not want to find out more? Thanks for your kind words; I've enjoyed reading your journal as well. I'm looking forward to more.

[foreveraspiring.livejournal.com]

Well I had hoped to be a court jester as a youngin' (true story that.) Though when the entertainment field proved too much of a burden (tomato stains make for terribly expensive detergent purchases) I fancied myself a future knight. I read all the folklore and even took out "The Boys King Arthur" 15 times in the span of 2 years. I was all set for a life of chivalry.. until I discovered that Knights were notorious for beating their wives, engaging in promiscuity and generally abused their power. Plus the crusades were fought against "my people". All this crushed my dreams of armor and swords, and I took to the dolls and my little ponies in the hopes that my ideals would fade into oblivion like the DoDo and I would be re-socialized accordingly... but no! I still find the desire to wear breeches and boot straps, sail on formidable armadas and ride on the backs of a mighty steed coursing with raw passion through my blood! I am the "sir" of legend! I shall prevail over the stereotypes and make a difference on this flea bitten world!

-adds her own theme music while stepping high with one bent leg on some inanimate object, pointing to the future, and laughing with insane amusement. Multi-colored lights flashing in a halo about her body-

Oh by the way, I think your cats a cutie. Kiss him for me!

[ed-rex.livejournal.com]

And here I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a youngin' - I feel so average all of a sudden!

I can see why learning about the true nature of the Crusaders turned you off wanting to be one of them. What most appalled me about the Crusades, was the slaughter inflicted not just on "your people" (mind if ask where in the Middle East you're from?) but that inflicted on their own people. It was rape, pillage and slaughter all along the way, as if the Crusaders thought that murdering unarmed peasants and Jews would be good practice for well-armed and organized "Mohamaddans" at the end of the road.

Consider the cat kissed.

The mystery has been solved...

[sabotabby]

I just realized where all my foam rubber earplugs must have gone.

::glares at cat::

Re: The mystery has been solved...

[ed-rex.livejournal.com]

What disturbs me is that I had no idea he little bugger knows how to turn the door-knob. But at least I have an idea of what happened to my spare key.