"J'accuse! Young Geoffrey a Paedophile and Rapist!", Claims Offended Big Sister

A Difficult Morning

(Staff - Toronto) An anonymous sourse leaked the news last night, but Young Geoffrey was busy studying math and drinking heavily and so did not receive the ominous news until morning found him, bleary-eyed and badly dehydrated, powers of 10 still drifting across his mind's eye like so many stale cigarette butts.

"I really don't know what to think," Young Geoffrey said as he broke his fast with 3 full ounces of cheap scotch. "I don't even know the woman." He refilled his mug and added, "But I think I know what she needs," then belched across his filthy formica table.

"The woman" in question is the 24 year-old sister, Tasha Yar, of Young Geoffrey's alleged girlfriend - or victim - Laura.

Wants Young Geoffrey Beaten to a Bloody Pulp

"I hate him," Ms Yar told the anonymous source. "I want him beaten to a bloody pulp."

Hearing this news, Young Geoffrey claimed indifference. "It doesn't really matter to me one way or the other," he said, frantically wiping down his shirt in a vain effort to remove the stench of his previous evening's bachanal. "Being beaten to a pulp is a very bad thing, whether I'm bloody at the end of it or not." At which point he poured another drink (this reporter refused his generous offer of one for himself) and used to hands to steady the glass as he brought it to his mouth. "Whatever happens, I have to get to work. I'm already 10 minutes late."

Told that Ms Yar believes Young Geoffrey to be a paedophile bent on "continually raping" Laura, Mr. Geoffrey listened with glassy-eyed composure to the rest.

"The evil Young Geoffrey is not rich and not even good looking. And he's old! Why would Laura sleep with that beast? She's young and pretty and should be sleeping with other young, pretty people."

Upset At Last

Precious alcohol soaked into Mr. Geoffrey's unread Globe and Mail. "Not good looking!?!" he sputtered. "It's one thing to call me a paedophile and a rapist and not rich - but not good looking!?! Has the whole world gone mad? That Tasha Yar has gone to far!"

Mr. Geoffrey asked this reporter to let it be known he is willing to meet his accuser any place, at any time, to settle their differences once and for all. "Especially," he said, "at the Queen's Head pub on Saturday evening. After a hard day's raping, I'll need a drink!"

The Queen's Head has reportedly hired extra security for the showdown. The pub's manager's only comment was to wonder which of the parties intended to foot the bill. Then he laughed and said, "I guess it won't be Young Geoffrey!"

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