ed_rex | The Return of Laura

(In which Young Geoffrey displays his petty side; if you have somehow romanticized me as some paragon of enlightened virtue, just move on to the next post on your list.)

By and large I've been pretty happy these past few months, notwithstanding my inability to meet women who are not either involved or loopy.

I have told myself - and others, sometimes to a certain amount of scepticism - that I am "over Laura" and moving on with my life. And mostly, I think it is true. But it is also true that I think of her more often than I would like. I don't want her back, but I am still angry about how she (mis)treated me.

I've fantasized - too much - about running into her, usually somewhere on Queen Street (because that is where I spend most of my time, no need for any Freudian - or any other kind - of analysis).

In the fantasy, she is with someone - a man - and approaches me to say hello, and to apologize.

"Who's that?" I say, and jerk my thumb towards her companion. "Your boyfriend of the week or just a john?"

"My boyfriend," she says, looking sad. "I'm not like that any more."

"That's good to hear. I wish I could believe it."

Uncomfortable, she nevertheless wants to talk. She notices that I've lost weight and tells me I look good.

"Thank you," I say. "And you still look like a lying, cheating, thieving sack of shit. Whether you live or die is a matter of supreme indifference to me."

And I stalk past her, without a backwards glance.

Well, tonight, I sort of had my chance.

I got in around 7:30 (I stopped in at Java Hut to work on a review of Richard Dawkins' The God Delusion - coming soon, folks!) and shortly after I had fired up the computer the telephone rang.

I trotted to my bedroom to answer it.

"Hello?"

"Good evening sir," said a strangely familiar voice, "I am calling from the [Blah-blah-blah] Dance Studio. May I speak with Geoffrey Dow?"

"Who's calling?" I asked, in my normal, who-the-hell-is-this tone.

"Geoff, it's Laura."

"Laura."

"Yes, it's me. I'm working for this telemarketing company and -"

"I'm really not interested," I said, and started to reach for the ... that thing you press when you want to disconnect a call.

"- and I thought of calling you."

"Laura," I said, "you're a lying, cheating sack of shit, [yes, I forgot "thieving"] and I have nothing to say to you."

But my heart was suddenly beating like a rattle in the hand of a child suffering from ADD and I didn't hang up the phone.

"What do you want?"

"I was thinking of you and, I guess, I just wanted to say I'm sorry." She paused, and I couldn't think of anything to say. "How are you?"

"I'm good," I said. "I'm very good." And the habit of politeness led me on. "How are you?"

"I'm great," she said. "I'm not in the sex-trade anymore, and I'm in a relationship -"

"Laura, I'm not interested in your relationships, or anything else."

And then I paused. A small part of me, a part that isn't angry at her, but that remembers the woman I believed she was, was thrilled to hear her voice again.

And so I still didn't hang up.

"I'm not like that anymore," she said. "My lying and cheating almost got me into trouble with my partner -"

"I don't want to hear about it, Laura. You lied to my face for a year and I can never forgive you for what you did to me."

"For more than a year," she said. "But I'm really not like that anymore." Suddenly she sounded like I imagine someone who has really gone through a 12-step program sounds like, someone who is bravely facing up to the sins of her past and asking forgiveness from those she has wronged.

But my anger was taking control again. "Laura, it's almost good to hear your voice, and I hope it's true, but I can never forgive you for what you did to me. I wish you well, but I don't want to talk to you. After all that happened, I can never trust you. So don't call me again, and if you see me on the street, just keep walking. And fuck off."

And I placed the receiver in its cradle (somehow, I didn't slam it).

I was literally shaking when I came back to the computer. My bloodstream was flooded with adrenaline.

But, having typed this far (thank you, Gentle Readers, for giving me an outlet for the venting of my speen).

Truth is, I don't feel good for having said, "Fuck off," and I do feel good about it.

There is a part of me that recognizes, first, that Laura is a great deal younger than I am and, second, that people sometimes do change. But at the same time, I know that I - when I was 18 and 19 - would never have been able to say "I love you" to someone for "a lot more than a year" when I didn't mean it.

I am calm again, and I suspect if I could test it, my adrenaline levels would be back to normal. I think I am glad she called me, that she gave me the chance to say, "Fuck off" and then hang up the phone.

And I hope that, when I take my shower tomorrow morning, I won't waste my time imagining what I might have said anymore.

Maybe now, at last, I am not only over Laura, but rid of her, too.

Threaded | Flat

at least she wasn't like the laura from Billy Joels song...
Im glad you got over it man. Love is a tricky thing.
Im not the kind who passes trials of the heart easily, so i can related.

I don't blame you for telling her to fuck off. Sometimes the urge is just overwhelming, and I'll bet as time goes on, it'll feel better and better. Speaking of fuck off, "I'm really not like that anymore."??? Puh-leeze! It's only been a few months. I call bullshit.

I look forward to the review of The God Delusion. I caught The Root of All Evil when it was on The Passionate Eye, and then Dawkins on The Colbert Report, so I was thinking of picking it up myself.

i would have never been able to say i love you for more than a few times without meaning it so there's that.

it's weird about the fuck off thing as i just had a conversation about it tonight and how saying fuck off implies you have emotion and that you don't say it unless there is some sort of emotion. but really...it typically elicits a reaction from the other person and i often prefer to fade out without reaction from either party. i'm rambling.

the bottom line is, good for you.

Rare opportunity; to confront a penitent ex and not cave into their desire for forgiveness. You did well.

YOU did well. I wish I had your strength. Maybe soon I will get to exercise the same ability you have to move on.

That is a tough day of reckoning to deal with, but it sounds like you handled it well enough.

Good for you for moving on.

If you want to bitch about ex-es over beer next month we can exchange war stories.

I hate the shakes and rattles, I get them far too easily. I nearly got them while I was reading.

But that was a very good interaction, run-ins with exes are never pleasant :S

Good for you for showing her you have a spine. You weren't needlessly harsh, but you let her know that you won't let her roll all over you. You did good, boy.

This is the first I've read of your journal, but I remember your comment to me.

Do you mind if I ask you some questions about her, and why she went into the sex trade to begin with? If you know, that is.

If not, I'll certainly respect that. :) Thanks.

I don't believe the "I'm not like that anymore" either. Thing is, I don't believe people change, and if they do, it's only for the worse...
Actually, let me rephrase a bit. I don't think people's conscience can change. So if she consciously deceived once, she may do it again.

"Laura, it's almost good to hear your voice, and I hope it's true, but I can never forgive you for what you did to me. I wish you well, but I don't want to talk to you. After all that happened, I can never trust you. So don't call me again, and if you see me on the street, just keep walking. And fuck off."

I think that was exactly the right thing to say. You got a little satisfaction out of it and you told her the truth while not allowing her any moral wiggle-room that she doesn't deserve.

I've told an ex to fuck-off too. It was one of the best things I've ever done. I finally felt FREE of this leech-person who wouldn't understand anything but an unequivocal "fuck off!"

I do think people change, but I think change of that magnitiude is very rare. I also think when people say "I've changed" is quite suspicious. People who really have gone through a transformation tend not to broadcast it in any way, though I do see the asking for forgiveness part. But if she's really changed, then she should know that she shouldn't expect forgiveness, but that the act of asking for it was important and that she should accept whatever answer you give.

I found out that my ex's partner—one of the women he cheated on me with, as far as I know—just bought them a loft. Meanwhile, the ex still doesn't have a job and is "working on a business plan." (He "worked on a business plan" for most of our relationship.) They are apparently getting married in Mexico.

I'd relish the opportunity to tell him to fuck off again.

closure is a good thing.. a few months ago i had several opportunities to tell my ex everything that was on my mind, and it really helped me let go and move on..

sounds like she deserved a 'fuck off', especially considering how young you say she is.. hopefully she'll learn a valuable lesson, and never treat someone else that way, although it is still sad that you were

Holy Crap.
I applaud you. I wish I was able to confront some of my exes like that, but I am far too passive for my own good.
I think it's awesome that you were able to say everything you need to, and also that you're moving on without looking back.

"I'm great," she said. "I'm not in the sex-trade anymore."

Keep on reaching for that rainbow.

I think you handled that fine, and considering the crap she put you through, you weren't at all overboard telling her to get lost. I'd have been a LOT less nice about it, probably.

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